The First Steps I took in my Healing Journey 

I cried. And then for weeks on end I was paralyzed as I sat and contemplated my existence. By week two my mom was offering my friends money if they could get me out of the house and get some food in me. My defense mechanism to uncertainty has always been starvation (not recommended). I reverted back to journaling (much healthier). I must have written the same things over, and over again. I need to make a change, I need more from life, I need to surround myself with people who reciprocate the love I give, I need to stop drinking so much, I need to be successful and sexy, I need to heal. 

Step 1. (after a few weeks of sulking of course) My Botox appointment was made and my flight was booked. As a woman who’s been on her healing journey for quite some time now, I still believe this is the best first step in any journey, don’t question it. It’s easier to think straight on a foreign beach with your best friend, and the botox is an added bonus. We were single and sexy. We checked another country off the list, and experienced everything we could while we were there. We were learning new things everyday, sampling delicious foods, and meeting incredible people. We sat on the beach for hours everyday and vented about anything that crossed our mind. Blabbing about our troubles while we listened to the waves crash was extremely therapeutic. We set goals together, wrote todo lists, journaled some more, and vowed to keep each other on track. 

Step 2.  After a lot of reflection, hundreds of journal entries later, and leaving the country where my problems originated, I had a pretty good idea of the changes I needed to make to begin my healing journey. I made a list of action items to begin my transformation. The list looked a little like this: 

• Retire the party girl in me
• Therapy 
• Self-Discovery
• Health and Wellness 

Step 3. Retire the party girl in me. This item originally ended up being an action item because an ex that I had a long and grueling history with convinced me that I was nothing but a party girl and this was the root to our unstable relationship. I was much more than a party girl, but I admit, I did enjoy partying in my youth. I’m not here to speak negatively, and this is certainly not an article of how our relationship deteriorated, but I assure you all, this was not the reason for the end of our relationship. I did my due diligence and detoxed for a month during my depressive episode. All of my friends assured me I was doing this for all the wrong reasons, and I did not have a party girl problem (because I didn’t), but I tried it out anyways. After about a month I snapped out of it, saw my friends again, went out, and even had a few cocktails. 

I realized a lot through that transition. I will always be a girl that loves to go out and have fun, and that’s not a bad thing. I love to travel, I love to meet new people and take risks, I love Sunday brunch with a mimosa and participating in taco Tuesday with a margarita. I love rooftop bars, speakeasies, and exploring new restaurants. I love dancing, taking art classes, and living life to the fullest. I love any excuse to celebrate because life really is a celebration. 

This line item evolved and forced me to reflect a bit more. While I was by no means retiring, I wanted a calmer lifestyle. A little more health and wellness, a little more saving money, a little more focused on all the goals I now set. I had this idea of the person I wanted to be, how she looked, what she did for work, the home she lived in, the clothes she wore, even the food she ate and the drinks she drank. This is where the real healing journey started. 

This version of Kelsey opted for red wine and champagne. So I traded in my tequila shots and started dabbling in red wine. The time I spent going out with my friends decreased a tad, but I was focused on my healing journey, I was accomplishing my goals, and I started showing up as this new version of myself that I had envisioned. I spent my time at wineries and practiced pairing red wines with the new recipes I was creating. The girls and I went on hot girl walks as a form of talk therapy and physical therapy. I read more self-help books than I could count, and I conducted hundreds of hours of research on various health and healing topics. I was still the “party girl” I was trying to originally retire, but now I was just a healthier, modified version. 

Step 4: I signed up for therapy. This was how I planned on healing my trauma. I had trauma from my childhood, the military, and my last relationship. At this point in my life I hated men. Day one of therapy, my therapist asked about my goals. He was a man. I said “no offense, but I hate men right now, I’ve been traumatized from every masculine direction. I don’t want to hate men, I know that they are great, and I want to marry a man someday.” I couldn’t get myself out of this vicious cycle though. Even my trusted guy friends told me that I was toxic. I knew that healing my wounds with men was going to be a huge part of the healing journey. I felt out of touch with my feminine nature, and I knew that this was because I lost faith in real masculine energy. I fully believe in the balance of masculine and feminine energy, and the importance of masculine energy in achieving a soft feminine energy. I knew that as I was defending myself over the years, my masculine energy continued to escalate. I worked through letting go of my fears, embracing the soft parts of life, and opened my mind to receive all the beautiful gifts that come with being in your feminine. 

Step 5:  I was on this transformation journey, but I was still trying to determine exactly who I was transforming into, self-discovery played a pivotal role in my healing and transformation. I didn’t know who this new version of myself was yet. But I knew this was the perfect opportunity to discover new interests, and learn about who I am to the core. I understood this was important at every stage of life, but from what I recall, this was my first time ever consciously making the effort. I became acquainted with the lifestyle I was living because, at the time it was what I knew. Below are some of the methods I used for self-discovery. 

• Each month I fully immersed myself in a topic, or hobby of my choice. I originally made a list of subjects I found interesting and I was curious to learn more about, then each month I’d choose a fitting subject for the month. The topics ranged from red wine pairing to radar theory to acupuncture to pottery to nigiri and so on. 
• Retail Therapy. On my self-discovery journey, I discovered I needed a new look. I retired the crop tops and ripped jeans. Basic attire is what I sought. Something that was comfortable, classy, and stress free. Some oxford white button ups, a Gucci backpack for all my studies, a fabulous pair of new sunnies, and the list continued. It was an investment. 
• I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I threw myself into difficult work roles, I forced myself to have really uncomfortable conversations in therapy, I made healthier lifestyle choices, even when I wanted to revert back to some unhealthy ways. 

Step 6: Health and Wellness. This is an area that was touched in every step of the journey. Health and wellness is the goal at the end of any healing journey, but it takes constant effort and revision. It was important for me that my healing journey touched every part of me that needed healing. I wanted physical health and fitness, I wanted long hair and glowing skin, I wanted to heal my traumas, I wanted to balance my feminine energy, I wanted a better sleep schedule, I wanted to incorporate more whole foods, supplements, and wellness practices. Here are the first steps I took in improving my overall health:

• I incorporated wellness practices such as red-light therapy, lymphatic drainage and dry brushing, cryotherapy, vitamin infusions, acupuncture, facials, and guided meditation
• I focused on gut health, I prioritized clean eating and filled my diet with nutrient dense, and gut healthy foods. I fasted to allow my body to heal itself. I analyzed my body and how it was reacting to different foods and lifestyle changes.
• I allowed myself to feel feelings. I was a professional at ignoring feelings and keeping busy. I dedicated time to reflect on what I was feeling each day. I became conscious of my behaviors and what triggered certain energy. 
• I switched over to clean products. My hair products, my skincare products, even my cleaning products. I remained clear of harmful ingredients such as parabens, phthalates, triclosan, oxybenzone, octinoxate, butylated hydroxyanisole, formaldehyde releasers, and siloxanes. 

These were just a few steps and a few realizations at the beginning of my healing journey. I’m far from the end of my healing journey, I discover new things daily, and my transformation will never be fully complete. However, these were some of the initial steps that catapulted me into this journey, and trust me, it’s worth it. 

Happy Healing!